WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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