I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
