Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
