The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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