Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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