I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
