I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
