how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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