She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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