You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Randomize
