sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
