i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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