my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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