I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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