It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
