piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
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