My hand turned me down
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
