Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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