1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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