he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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