dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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