Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
