apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
