I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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