i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
