i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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