Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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