I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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