You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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