First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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