My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
so let's talk penis.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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