Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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