After last night, I could never be a politician.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
