if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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