enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
