You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
