sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
