2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
