i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
A+ Viking dick
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
