Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
