My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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