Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
