For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
