Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
