She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
