I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
