life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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