And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
