I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
