Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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