It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
