My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
