Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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